The internet has been thrown into a stir after Reddit user YourMomCaused911 uploaded what appears to be a leaked document from Zuckerberg this Sunday night. Popular technology publications “Wired, Power Strip, and MousE have all covered the story, but are baffled as to what exactly this means for the future of Facebook.
The leaked letter:
“Hey guys! Mark Z. here to announce some quick changes coming into effect on The Book this March. As Facebook continues to grow and becomes a more integral part of our everyday lives it’s important we use it in ways that enhance the experience for everybody using our platform. Here are a few areas I’ll be looking to improve on.
1) Try to keep pictures of your kids to about 1-2 per week.
You know how you kind of don’t care about other people’s kids? Well, that’s how they feel about yours.
2) Pictures and videos depicting nude women are totally okay.
Even though we strongly encourage female nudity we ask that men continue not posting pictures of their genitalia. Together we can keep all of the internet’s dicks on Chatroulette.
3) Do not post statuses about how bored you are.
Nothing screams “I wear pajama pants to Walmart” like a ‘I’m bored’ status update. Be better than that.
4) No more gym selfies from men.
Congrats on getting your six pack together for your Grindr pic. Just leave the rest of us out of it.
5) All of those hot webcam models who friend you are me.
We’re all human and we all have our weaknesses. Mine happens to be tricking West Virginian men into thinking that I’m a hot web cam girl and cybering with them. I’m only letting you know because I’m trying to stop. Please help me.
6) No more deep arguments on FB.
So you went to college, but now you’re a waiter and you need to prove to the world that you’re smart? Knock that shit off, it’s so trashy.
7) Don’t use my name in vain on the Book.
My accountant just told me that I have more money than God and I want you all to act accordingly.
8) Only poke somebody if you want to f*ck.
Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than when I get a poke and come to find it’s one of my boys messing around. Dude! I thought I was getting some pus$y! Poking is a feature I personally developed that allows you to look at a profile for three days which is ample time to see if a chick has kids or a man before you crush the box. Don’t abuse it.
9) Not a rule, but just wanted to let you know that I’ve f*cked over 70% of the women on Facebook.
The ones with “it’s complicated” relationships are easily the best.
10) I inject the drugs the Michael Jackson overdosed on every night.
Anything good enough for the kind of pop is good enough for me.
Sorry, kinda feel like this thing somehow devolved into me bragging about myself rather than giving you all a unique social experience through that I sell to the government and law enforcement.
Okay. That’s all for now. I’m way too f*cking high right now.”