Listen up babies. I’ve been where you’ve been. I’ve lived through it and came out to see the other side. The world is an unforgivably brutal sphere. Listen to me when I tell you that I have seen things. Terrible bone chilling events have been absorbed in through my eyes and stained my once pure soul. Though mostly while watching the news and skimming Time magazine articles while waiting to get my haircut. But, if nothing else it’s the unique second-hand world experience that has chiseled me into the cold, war-battered, 27-year-old goat that I am today. And by the powers vested in me by being a recently graduated article-list-style-blogger allow me to bestow all of my universally lasting wisdom upon your soft and oddly shaped heads. If you happen to be illiterate (which I know a lot of you are) have your mother read this for you. She may stand to learn a few things as well.
1. Your Brain Will Nearly Double In Size
Don’t believe me? Well then put down that chew-able book with the patches of animal fur and read some science for once.
2. You Will Shit Your Pants Everyday.
Enjoy it while you’re still young and free. Sooner or later you’re gonna be expected to not do this and it’s really, really hard.
3. You’re never gonna get laid.
Yup, not gonna happen. So just button that outfit that makes you look like a little green bean all the way up to your neck and forget about it. You do, however, get to suck mad nipples though.
4. If you want something, cry.
You’d be surprised how many people carry this into their adult lives.
5. Someone is going to give you ice cream.
Although it may feel like you’re leaving your incapable body and ascending toward the heavens, that cold creamy spoon is nothing but a harbinger of temptation yet to come. The blurry metal object will retract out of focus as you feel those endorphins rush into your brain while your milky lips scramble up and down to calculate what has just happened. The monkey is on your back. Yup, welcome to hell kid. Sadly, at this stage in the game you’re not the one in control of your sugar consumption. Though soon enough you’ll be able to throw a tantrum in the grocery store so mommy buys you skittles. (*Apologies if I unknowingly copied any Lou Reed lyrics in this paragraph)((**Happens to me all the time))
6. Day-time TV sucks
Jerry Springer’s okay but most of the stuff on TV for you is written by a bunch of drug addled psycho-paths.
7. Take advantage of your situation
This is the only time in life where you can cry and ask someone to hold you without being judged. Cherish it.
8. Your older siblings may be planning your assassination.
Congratulations genius. You’ve just usurped all the attention. Plus it’s too early to listen to DMX while practicing kick-boxing, so you’re really just at their mercy.
9. People are going to tag you on Facebook without your permission.
Yup, even if you’re drooling. Clink the link above if you need proof.
10. You’re entering a pretty bleak job market.
That is considering you get through grade school. Times tables, long division, algebra? You’re screwed. Just be the cool baby who doesn’t go to school and learns a trade instead. You’ll make way more money than your better educated counterparts. Plus, people who do manual labor are jacked. Or sometimes really fat. But still…think of the possibilities.